The GARLIC is a mix of satire and wishful thinking. Not always, but often true.
Got a story for us?.

September 2015

Good News for the Economy: Assley Madison Leak is Good for Hardware Store Business

Sales of pitchforks to female buyers have increased an average of 2.5 million percent after the much-publicized leak of a huge database containing several million email addresses of paying subscribers of Toronto-based cheating portal Madison's Asshole were dumped onto the web.

KookyGoo Is Good For You

Mountain View, CA -- Up-and-coming search engine startup Google today announced its planned new search engine that filters out unreliable, badly-researched, special interest-infested and simply wrong information on the web. Is this a good thing?

IDF Claims Media Anti-Semitic

Photos interpreted as showing an IDF soldier violently wrestling a Palestinian boy with a broken arm are a "misunderstanding".


Stephen Hawking is the target of this most recent rant. Who do you NOT trust?

Pope Asks His Jesuit Overlords for Loan to Buy His Favorite Soccer Club Before Trump Does

God's infallible representative on Earth, the current Pope Francis, announced today he is asking his handlers for a sizable loan in order to buy the Argentine soccer club San Lorenzo.

Who carved these images on Mars?

Some believe satellite images show signs of life on the Red Planet.

Remembering R. Crumb
& Zap Comix

R. Crumb was more than a cartoonist. He saw the world in all its surreal weirdness.

Floyd Mayweather
& GARLIC Talk...

Floyd Mayweather changing his moniker from "The Money" to "Peace'n Love" after finally trying pot. "Sup man" he welcomed The GARLIC to his mansion, "yeah, after I had a few tokes of that stuff I sat down in my massage chair and started having funny thoughts, you know, about myself, Floyd ... Mayweather ... May ... Weather ... Not Weather ... and realized I might weather the next fights or not weather them."

Stuff you gotta know before you fall asleep...

Trending on GARLIC

Lightning Ridge farmer under investigation for racially abusing black cattle

A LIGHTNING RIDGE pastoralist is being investigated by the RSPCA over allegations he has been racially abusing his Angus cattle.

It's claimed by the animal protection organisation that Philip Rochford, a 61-year-old local farmer, referred to a breeder cow as a "big black bitch" during scheduled "preg testing" in March.

Testing for a pregnancy in cattle is especially distressing for the animal as an operator needs to insert his arm, sometimes up to the elbow, to check for the presence of a foetus through the rectal cavity.

[Philip Rochford is under investigation for using racial insults directed toward his Angus cattle. PHOTO: I. Gashkori/Betoota Advocate]

On this particular occasion which is under investigation, it is alleged by the RSPCA that the Angus cow took offense to Mr Rochford putting his arm up her back passage and began to "buck widely" in the cattle crush.

Mr Rochford then let out a string of highly derogatory and racial insults directed toward the cow.

The 3-year-old cow told investigators that Rochford called her "a mad old black cunt of a thing" and a "fucking black cunt" when she began to raise her objections to having an arm up her are.

Outside Lightning Ridge Local Court, the father of three said the charges where "bullshit and defamatory because everybody knows that animals can't speak English".

"Look this is just another stunt by those PETA dimwits... They sit up in their ivory tower in their cotton shirts and leather boots and tell farmers that they're monsters."

"That's why I'll always love and support my daughters - so they don't get a complex and become animal rights activists."

"As for the charges, of course I'm going to fight them. I'm not going to get a criminal record for swearing at a cow." he said.

A similar incident made headlines last month, when the RSPCA knocked on the door of a Broken Hill grazier after he was caught on film swearing at a herd of sheep.

Investigators were tipped off by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) because it was thought that sheep were able to understand and comprehend English.

[This merino wether, Kevin, was offended by a Broken Hill farmer's language. PHOTO: I. Gashkori/Betoota Advocate]

Ellis Raymond, the sheep farmer at the centre of the Broken Hill controversy, told local radio that he was "unaware that the sheep had been offended by his remarks".

"I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize publicly to a 4-year-old Merino wether that I've known all his life," he said.

"When he decided to turn around in the race and spit out his drench, I called him 'a dumb cunt' and that was wrong of me."

"Furthermore, I implored him to 'take his fucking medicine' by pulling his head up and forcing him to swallow the drench by holding his mouth shut... So Kevin the sheep, from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry for calling you a 'fucking dumb cunt' and I'll never do it again." said Mr Raymond.

Mr Raymond was promptly fined for "swearing repeatedly" during a live broadcast and was banned for life from ABC 999 Broken Hill.

source The Betoota Advocate

Poll Shows Republicans Approve of Hillary's 'Selfies' on Sexswing and Lesbian Affair with Yoko Ono

In a recent Roper poll, members of the GOP reported that they 'strongly approved' of the dozen or so images that went viral on Monday, appearing first on Good Morning America and later on Huffingtonpost. The images, taken with a hand held cellphone, appear to show an older woman's legs attached to leather straps and a chain. Insiders who have seen all the images say it leaves no doubt who owns those legs.

Speaker Boener (R) mirrored Jeb Bush's earlier comments when Bush voiced approval of the photos and later, the revelation in an interview with Yoko Ono that the two had a lesbian affair in the 70s.

"Why not, she's a liberal."

This is not the first time Clinton's lesbian affairs have been exposed.

When asked what all this could mean for Clinton's presidential campaign, Bush went on to say with a chuckle, "That'll definitely screw her chances for good."

Scientific American Has Big Regrets

Scientific American admits after 10-year study that vast majority of Americans totally unscientific and irrational, but now too late to change name. "It's totally over most people's heads, but as long as they don't cancel the subscriptions en masse we'll stick to the name", said Rachel Scheer, Corporate Public Relations Manager of the prestigious establishment mouthpiece. "We have thought about possible options, but they all sound pretty insulting", she added.

I Will Behave

By Jaye Beldo

A friend once asked me if I could help move his stuff from a house in Libertyville, Il. to an apartment he was renting somewhere on the North Shore. My parents had a station wagon, so I agreed to pitch in.

After about an hour, there was one item left in the upstairs bedroom to move. A dresser of which we both pulled away from the wall. John discovered a piece of paper on the floor near the baseboard, covered with dust and cobwebs. He got on his knees, picked it up and blew it clean. I couldn't help but read, standing over his shoulder, something scrawled on wide ruled, elementary school paper:

I will behave.
I will behave.
I will behave.
I will behave.
I will behave.

"Scott." John summarized and crumpled up the note.

Some kids had teased his brother about his hair in Jr. High. But all that is vivid really is me standing behind John, unable to say anything at all. I just stared at the paper in his hands, reading the lines.

There was nothing to move out of the basement where Scott had hung himself, so we left. To this day, the kid's spidery, punishment handwriting remains pencil clear in my memory. The ruled paper too.

And his age: 13.

I'm tempted to Google Satellite the house I helped my friend move out of over forty years ago. Maybe it would give me a sense of what really happened. But I have forgotten the address and all the houses blend together in that particular sub-division as they do elsewhere when looked at from an aerial perspective.

(C)2015-Jaye Beldo

Hippy Holocaust?


UKIAH, Calif. (AP)-A disgruntled man has taken on a cause that he thinks will solve the state's critical drought problem. He wants hippies rounded up and put into FEMA internment camps.

"White guys with dread locks will be the first to go." Nelson Zepp, a Vietnam vet declared. "Anyone wearing a Grateful Dead t-shirt or anything tye-died will be arrested without due process. It's not the vineyards or golf courses. Not even Nestle's. The hippies are the ones using too much water growing marijuana."

Nelson intends to submit his proposal to FEMA and garner additional detainment help from various militias throughout California.

Doctor Oz Defends Fat Cream

Wash DC - Looking more like British comedian, "Mr. Bean", Dr. Oz squirmed uncomfortably under scrutiny by the Food and Drug Administration. The current hearing questions the efficacy of his "Dr. Oz's Miracle Fat Cream". In his defense, Dr. Oz claimed that his cream does reduce fat, "It must be applied several times a day, to every part of the body, thus leaving those who use it less time to think about eating fatty food."

The popular television physician has allegedly made millions from the "diet aid" which is typically sold on-line with celebrity endorsements such as Ellen Degeneras and the late Eva Gabor. Government analysts have reported that the cream is a solution of coconut milk and glycophosphate -- two substances the FDA considers "very safe". The hearings are set to end this week. Meanwhile, Dr. Oz has just announced plans for an anal bleach that will be made from organc lemons.

Happening Now

Koch Brothers Sell Jeb Bush Art After Backing Scott Walker

Billionaire brothers Charles and David Koch, the influential conservative donors, have settled on Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker as their top choice to win the 2016 US presidential race. Almost immediately, Sotheby's of London announced the brothers will be selling a number of commissioned art pieces featuring their former top candidate, Jeb Bush. The works feature a life size figure of Bush made entirely from cheese and a painting said to be channeled by deceased artist Andy Warhol.

Mental Health Profession Gets New DSM 5 Entry

Upcoming psychiatrist conference to announce that the 297 mental disorders of the current DSM 5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) by far not the end of it. Marvin C. Coo spoke to our reporter ahead of the upcoming event: "It's no secret that psychiatrists are pretty much the number one group of professionals having to deal with serious problems such as suicide, substance abuse, divorce, child-beating, nail-biting and chronic self-doubt, often in combination. I mean, nobody comes even close to us, except for European royalty perhaps."

When asked about the new additions to the list, which are likely to be incorporated into the highly anticipated DSM 6, Coo said: "Last year we realized we don't actually need to study patients, we just have to listen to and observe ourselves. You wouldn't believe the types of highly dysfunctional and deluded behavior that comes to light at our usually upbeat conferences. We think the general public will like our list of brand new personality disorders for this new edition of the dism, as we call it", Coo added.

Asked about the long-term perspective, Coo said: "If things go ahead as expected and we don't get a wave of suicides in our community over the coming years we should reach the magic number of one thousand personality disorders by mid-2017. I suggested we should call it the DSM X when we get to number 1,000, like Apple, you know", said Coo, washing down a handful of Valium with a swig of lukewarm Dr. Pepper. "See? This is my personal contribution. Not bipolar, not borderline, neither uppers nor downers really, just contrarian, for the hell of it. I call it the f**k-U-2 syndrome, and I know there are many undiagnosed cases like mine out there, what do you think? Want some?", Coo added.

At Bookstores Everywhere...

(click to view)

Money Matters

Internal corporate memo of Israel's Porncorp [Nasdaq: POO] shows most popular names for their office chair screw-on oral sex robot is "Lewinsky" (for men) and "Arnold" (for men). Women's model still planned for rollout early 2017.

Facebook in talks with Bush family and Spielberg to bring high production values to narcotics dealing, child sacrifices and global destabilization campaigns in social media. ZuckerSpielBush [ZSB] likely to go live during or after coming stock market crash.

HIRE-A-KILLER has recently promoted their services on-line. Critics have claimed the site should be banned while most economists praise it as a symbol of capitalism and the free market. Stocks [HAK] have risen sharply since the ASPCA and AARP dropped their class action suit earlier this month.

In his first-ever interview discussing private matters, Apple CEO Tim Cook admits he never got around to change his first-generation iPhone.

"You know, Steve (Jobs) was a busy guy and kept postponing to actually show me how to save all these phone numbers and put them into a newer handheld wireless telephone. Time went flying by, and I still kind of like the feel of it", Cook enthused, showing his collector's item in its worn-out light pink protective case. "I still have my first screensaver on it", said Cook, an avid music fan of vintage 80's music. "Remember WHAM?"

Satirical online magazine The Onion reportedly thinking about filing lawsuit against The Garlic.

Samuel Kirschbier, attorney for the zany website, said this: "We've got a cease and desist against The Eggplant in 2012 and settled out of court with The Cheese, so we are pretty confident we can get these guys waterboarded or something. Who the f*** do they think they are, comedians?"

Powered by Purple Haze
©TheGARLIC / Viewzone, since 1996
Editor: Gary Vey
Want to write? We need You.


Back To Viewzone