GHRA (Global Hardware Retailer Association) -- The latest statistics about the world economy finally offer some much-needed and most definitely good news concerning the state of the economy -- and pretty much worldwide, though limited to certain articles.
Sales of pitchforks to female buyers have increased an average of 2.5 million percent after the much-publicized leak of a huge database containing several million email addresses of paying subscribers of Toronto-based cheating portal Madison's Asshole were dumped onto the web. MA's CEO has since resigned from the company citing conflicts of interest such as turning out to be a complete douchebag and a burning feeling from the waist on down.
When The Garlic's team of poker-faced reporters visited a random selection of hardware stores across the western part of the US, Washington DC as well as remote parts of southern Germany, customer service representatives unanimously reported they had completely sold out of chainsaws, extra large two-layer plastic bags, hydrofluoric acid, pitchforks, shovels, day-glo spray paint, XXL butcher knives and duct tape.
Tony Blur, a former bigwig warmonger working for the Crown, had this to say after his name was discovered on the leaked list of the affair hackers, or, hacker affair: "Bugger me, if they publish my email and those of all of my rather more important acquaintances, for Pete's sake, why can't these bloody geeks have the decency to include all of their secret sexual fantasies as well? I mean, what am I going to read in jail? I for one copied and pasted my secret sexual fantasy from an old 1980's edition of Playgirl, but I am certain there's a couple of rather more creative sexual fantasies out there which, rather unfortunately I must say, happened to get published for every useless eater to check out, giving all of us a run for our largely stolen money."
JvT
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